[nicky crane]

Dear Diana,
I feel for you. Jani died 18 months ago, painfully. Boys had twisted his leg when he shook hands with them, and it later turned to gangrene. The 2 vets I consulted couldn't do anything, and denied the problem. I got a nurse to look at him and she confirmed my fear that it was gangrene. Both vets promised to come and put him down - and didn't come. I had to try to do it myself. Then I discovered why the vets wouldn't come. They didn't know what drug to use. He went to sleep and woke up again. Eventually we took him to a veterinary pharmacist, who gave him an injection that did kill him, but not without some distress. I hope it helped him that I was with him till the end. For months afterwards I lay awake at night, seeing Jani's last moments. The worst thing was the silence on the balcony where Jani used to rush around barking at his enemies, real or imagined.
I live in Albania, where animals don't live long. Jani was 6, the oldest animal I've had. He had a good life till the last 2 months. I look on my animals as on loan from God, and pray that the loan will be a long one.
Neighbours gave me their 2 beautiful puppies, who were born soon after Jani's death. Someone said they were Jani's replacement. I said Jani can't be replaced. They are his successors. They are also the most challenging dogs I've ever had. Many's the time I think nostalgically about Jani, who was not brilliantly obedient, but was angelic in comparison with Andi and Petri. I love them dearly and they love me, but they frequently have me tearing my hair out!
Diana, you need a companion, maybe a dog, maybe not. Nicky was unique, and irreplaceable. I found the emptiness after Jani's death was the worst thing. It sounds as if loneliness is the worst thing for you. Don't try to find a replacement for Nicky, because you can't. But when you are ready, you can find a successor.